Intermission

[Cast enters the writing room. Al & Miles are already there.]

Hey, why are you guys here?

You all have a serious problem but fortunately we've solved it for you.

What are you talking about?

Don't you guys realize that you've put Lois and Lionel is every single one of your episodes?

Yeah. So?

They're on 13 episode contracts! We can't have them in any more the rest of the season.

I thought since you didn't bring in anyone to replace John and we were writing the scripts ourselves we could afford to bring them on full time.

Wrong-o.

So, what are we going to do? Write the rest of the season without them?

Exactly. Restrained is going to be the season finale and you're going to have to write nine filler episodes without them to sandwich between the episodes you've already done.

The season finale? You can't be serious. What about Clark and the daddy crystal?

Lex and the weapon?

Lois and her book?

Lionel and the key?

Martha and Sting?

Chloe and her 'dad'?

[To MM] Did you get all that?

Yep. Too comic booky, too sci-fi, too forgettable, too comic booky again, too expensive, and not enough Lana.

You don't want to explore Chloe and her 'dad' because there's not enough Lana?

There's pretty much no Lana in that story line.

Maybe Chloe could confide in Lana since Lana knows what it's like to find out the person she thought was her dad her whole life wasn't actually her dad.

True, but the story wouldn't revolve around Lana now would it?

No but...

Exactly. Not enough Lana.

Just to clear things up not enough Lana goes for all your silly pet plot lines here. Not just Chloe and her 'dad'.

Right. Besides, we can work on all those plot lines next season.

When our new crop of writers can assure that they all are chock full of Lana.

[Exasperated] There's going to be another season?!?

Kristen, you're not worried about resolving Lana's story arc?

No. I'm fine with ending on episode 13.

This really sucks.

I agree. But we've been nice enough to write up a few episode templates to get you started.

[Sarcastic] Great.

We noticed you've been really light on original meteor freaks this season so we'll help rectify that.

OK. Episode 1.5 A stranger with strange powers comes to town. He falls for Lana but turns out to be evil and Clark has to save her.

Episode 2.5 A stranger with strange powers comes to town. He falls for Lois but turns out to be evil and Clark has to save her.

No that's not right. We can't have Lois.

Oh, yeah. Episode 2.5 A stranger with strange powers comes to town. He falls for Chloe but turns out to be evil and Clark has to save her.

That's still not right...

Sorry, cut and paste error. Episode 2.5 A stranger with strange powers comes to town. She falls for Clark but turns out to be evil and Chloe has to save him.

Episode 3.5. A stranger with strange powers comes to town. She falls for Lex but turns out to be evil and Clark as to save him.

OK, I think we get the idea.

We haven't gotten to the best ones yet. Episode 4.5 -- you might notice an interesting twist here.

All old friend from high school turns out to have strainge powers. He falls for Lana but turns out to be evil and Clark as to save her.

Wow. That one blows me away. I like how this time it's not a complete stranger. You totally turned everything on its head.

So this will be somebody the viewers have seen before?

You caught that. We thought it was pretty clever.

But technically the viewers haven't seen him before.

He's an old friend from high school though. They would have had to seen him.

He's not someone that was ever on the show before.

Then it might as well be a stranger.

No. It's an old friend.

What makes him any different than a stranger?

It's in the script that way: 'an old friend'. Boy have you guys got a lot to learn.

And there's more to like about this one, Kristen. It takes place almost completely underwater.

Lots of bikinis.

I can barely contain my excitement.

Also you all have written only one hospital scene so far.

We can't let that set go to waste.

All nine remaining episodes need hospital scenes.

We were getting to another one. Lionel was almost going to die. He was going to be in the hospital for a few weeks at least.

That won't work because John's already got his 13 episodes.

On second thought we could always just show a full body cast and pretend it's Lionel.

Miles you're brilliant.

That's it. I've heard enough! I quit! [exits the room] [The rest of the cast murmurs in agreement and leave as well.]

They'll be back.

How can you be so sure?

I had the gate to the set locked.

Michael might try to scale the fence.

I had it electrified.

Damn you're good. In a creepy kind of way.

[Cut to the electrified fence. MR holds up enough chain link for others to crawl under. He shakes from the electricity running through his body as he yells.]

Don't worry about me! Save yourselves!

[Once everyone is through] Dammit man, we don't leave anyone behind!

No, I'm not worth it. Go on without me! [He lets go of the fencing and falls to the ground, unconscious and smoking]

Nonsense. [TW walks to the gate and shuts off the power.] Erica, pull Michael out from under the fence!

[Being dragged by the foot] I see... stars. Beautiful stars.

We're free!

Free to be... smart.

Free to be... on a decent show.

Free to be... appreciated.

Free to be... iconic.

Free to be... lusty.

Free to be... left alone.

[still being pulled along] Free to be... have hair again. [smiles contentedly.] [Jenson Ankles skids to a stop in front of them in the Metallicar. Kristen Bell sits in the passenger seat. She looks quizzically at AM's "I'm not Veronica Mars" T-shirt]

Don't ask.

JA: You guys need a ride? KB: There are still a few decent shows with a couple of open cast slots left. [The cast pile into the back]

[Starting to re-gain his senses] Hey, you're Veronica Mars!

KB: I get that a lot.

You like Sting?

KB: Sure, I guess.

Great! I've... OW! Allison, cut it out!

[Innocently] Sorry. It's a little cramped back here. Just trying to get comfortable.

[back to KB] Anyway about Sting... OW! Dammit that smarts.

Now that's better!

KB: You were saying?

How about we talk after we get out of the car.

KB: Sure. By the way, we could really use a maniacal bald bad guy on our show this year.

Really? Does he have to be bald?

KB: No. But he does have to be ambiguously gay.

I can deal with that.

Any chance you could use an ambiguously gay good guy?

The End? Previous (Restrained) Next (Act II)