Prelude to Stalemate

Original TwoP air date 8.26.06

[MR's trailer. MR sits typing furiously, huge smile on his face.]

Finally, two guys get to do a script. We'll show 'em wont we?

[Dialing on his cell phone facing away from MR several feet away] What? Oh yeah, sure Michael! Cut to a women's shop at a Mall. AM wears a T-shirt with a picture of Kristen Bell on the back. The picture has a the red circle with a line through it 'no' symbol on it. She turns so we can read the front, "No, I am not Veronica Mars". She's looking at dresses and answers her phone.

What's up, Tom?

You have to help me out!

What's the problem?

It's Michael. He won't back down on the exploding woman idea.

[concerned] Is he planning on exploding Chloe?

No. [A teenage girl comes up to Chloe with a pad of paper]

Hold on a sec OK? Teen Age Girl (TAG): Can I get your autograph!

Sure!

TAG: I love how your character is so strong and independent!

Thanks. I love playing Chloe.

TAG: Chloe?

You know on Smallville?

TAG: You mean you're not Kristen Bell?

Did you even read my T-shirt?

TAG: Yeah, it's says "No, I'm not Veronica Mars."

What does that mean to you?

TAG: That you just play her on TV?

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, KID! I'M NOT KRISTEN BELL FOR CHRIMMY SAKE!

TAG: [Runs away]

[Back on the phone] Sorry about that. Look Tom there's a wedding I've got to go to this weekend and I haven't gotten a dress because we were swamped writing "Jimmy". I'm sorry but you're going to have to handle this on your own.

Wait!

[Makes staticy noises] You're breaking up Tom I've got to go.

Stop it Allison. You make the worst fake static of anyone on the cast.

Really? I thought Kristen was the worst.

When she stops whispering she's actually pretty good.

Seriously Tom, I don't have time for this. You can stand up to Michael. I know you can. [She hangs up]

Dammit!

What's the problem?

What? Oh, Dominoes won't deliver all the way out here.

That sucks.

I'm not in the mood for pizza anymore anyway.

[Turning back to the computer] Whatever. They have wings there now too you know. I like their wings. [Turns back to Tom] Speaking of wings, do you think it would be too over the top if our exploding robot had wings?

Mechanical or feathered?

Feathered definitely. A naked woman robot with mechanical wings? That would freak me out.

There might be budgetary issues.

[Typing] Let's stick it in anyway. The worst that can happen is they say no. But if we can? Score!

[Dialing] It's a little Victoria's Secret don't you think?

That's what I like about it. Try to find a place that will deliver beer, will ya? [Cut to ED. She's having a naked cookout.]

"Yello! Tom? I wish you and Mike could have made it! Er, well you at least."

Look, uh, Erica I've got bad news.

I heard they're aren't going to make a Cheaper by the Dozen III too. I'm sorry. You'll always be a winner in my book!

No. Michael wants to blow up a naked Lois.

You're not going to let him do that are you?

Can you come by to talk him out of it?

Of course, I don't want to show up as a ghost the rest of the season!

No, he's not actually going to kill her.

I knew it! Lois is going to be the first one in the hospital isn't she? And I bet Allison $50 bucks Michael would put Chloe in the hospital first.

No, she's not going to be in the hospital either.

How exactly is that going to work?

It's a robot replica of Lois.

Oh. So what's the big deal?

Don't you have a problem with that?

Should I?

She's going to be naked.

So? [Looking across her yard, cups her hand over the phone] Watch out Bob, there's a cactu...[winces. A man screams off screen] Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.

This isn't bothering you at all, is it?

What?

This isn't bothering you at all, is it?

I'm always bothered when a man punctures himself.

No, I'm talking about Michael's plan.

The human body is beautiful. It shouldn't always be covered up.

What about the blowing up part?

I'm sure it can be tastefully done.

What if I said robot Lois had wings?

Mechanical or feathered?

Which would freak you out more?

[Impatient] Tom, what kind of wings?

Feathered.

Cool! The mechanical kind would freak me out.

I'll let Michael know.

Hey, did you guys think about dragon wings? That would be neat. And a tail! Shiny dragon wings and a pointy little tail. So sexy!

We'll think about it. Bye Erica. [Hangs up] Dammit!

Get this, what if there were guns in robot Lois' breasts that shot Kryptonite bullets?

Already been done, Austin Powers.

Yeah, but not with the Kryptonite! And the robots weren't naked.

Its' weak Michael.

You're right, you're right. Dammit! All the good robot gags have already be taken! [Pauses] You've been quiet. You have any ideas?

No, not yet. [Dialing again] [Cut to a spa. KK is getting the full treatment, cucumber on her eyes, goop all over her face.]

Yes?

Kristen I need you to help me out.

Naked exploding woman robots?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Lucky guess.

So will you help?

Is it robot Lana?

No it's...

You're on your own, Tom.

Wait! Why won't you help?

Michael laid down the gauntlet. I want his episode to fail miserably. It sounds like it's well on it's way.

What about me? Don't you care about me?

Do you care about Lana?

Don't do this.

Bye Tom.

Dammit!

Man, you just don't know how to talk to delivery people do you?

I'm not hungry anymore.

Good, because I've got another idea. What if the Lois robot had a cache of Kryptonian cockroaches in it? When Clark finally disables it these huge cockroaches start coming out of the eyeballs and attack him?

That's really gross.

Yeah. It's good, isn't it?

[Sits next to MR] Yeah, I kind of like it. You know what else I was thinking?

What?

Why stop at Lois? Why not have robot replicas of Lana and Chloe too?

I didn't think you would go for that.

I changed my mind.

Can they all be naked and blow up at the same time?

Why not?

After an oiled up lesbian orgy?

Well, let's not push it. Who knows what Kristen and Annette would do with Clark and Lex given enough ammunition.

You're right. Forget I mentioned it.

You still have 'Stepford Wives' on DVD?

Hell yeah! Fire it up!

I'll pop the popcorn.

I'll go steal some beer out of Erica's trailer.

Hey, while you're out there Allison always has some pork rinds stashed in the third drawer down in her dresser.

[Double take] How do you even know that? And Allison eats pork rinds?

Shh! She'll kill me if she ever finds out I told you. We've written three episodes together. You'd be surprised how far you can get on a bag of pork rinds and a bottle of tequila on a long night of writing.

Well at least now I know how you two end up with such fucked up scripts. She gets you all liquored up and then slips in all that cute and emotional crap. [Looks at TW critically] Or are you one of those weepy drunks and that crap is actually your idea?

I'd prefer not to talk about what kind of drunk I am.

Where does she stash the tequila? I'll swipe it too.

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