"Professional" Help

Original TwoP air date 9.11.06

OK. All I ask is that everybody be civil. OK?

A comment like that raises all kinds of red flags, Tom. You call us all up here out of the blue and start off by asking us to be civil? What the hell is going on? Is this mediation?

'Cuz that's completely unnecessary. Michael and just tease each other. There's no chance of any actual physical violence.

At least not yet.

Because I would totally kick his ass if there ever was...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. The both of you pipe down. Believe it or not this isn't all about the two of you. [MR & AM give TW a surprised look]

Tom, I'd give them a second or two to recover from the shock.

Otherwise the entire cast wouldn't be here. It'd just be the three of us and a federal marshal.

Then if this isn't going to be a bunch of touchy feely team-building bullshit why the hell are we here then? And when can we leave?

Al and Miles thought we could use some 'professional' advice for our episodes.

It's a little late. We're over halfway through the season and all my episodes are already in the can!

I'm sorry, Annette. If you want to skip this meeting you can.

Can I skip this meeting?

[Murmur of agreement from rest of cast]

Everybody else has at least one episode left to write so everybody but Annette has to sit tight. And be nice. [Pulls out a piece of paper and starts dialing the conference phone.]

Who are you calling?

Stephen.

DeKnight?

The one and only.

Didn't Al and Miles fire him?

He was going to move to Aquaman but then it tanked...

[Groan]

and so he's been free lancing.

You're going to stay, Annette?

[Shrugs] Morbid curiosity.

Can I go in her place.

[Not looking up from the phone] No. [TW puts the conference phone on speaker. SDK's line is ringing]

Hello?

Hello Steven. It's Tom Welling with the rest of the Smallville cast.

Hey Tom. Hey everybody. Cast: [Unenthusiastic] Hey.

Al and Miles talked to you?

Yeah, yeah. I've got some great tips for you guys. It's got to be quick because my smokin' hot girlfriend is waiting for me in the other room.

We're ready.

First of all let me say it's a real shame what you all have done to Chloe.

What the hell are you talking about? She's actually getting a good story this season!

No, no. I'm not talking about her story. I mean, yeah, the story is OK. I guess. What I'm talking about is where are all her cute little quips? Miss pop culture all of a sudden went square. Like my girlfriend was saying... Did I mention I have a hot girlfriend?

Yeah, you did. So more pop culture references for Chloe. What else?

Are you trying to blow me off, Tom? If I'm wasting your time I'd much rather be spending it with my red hot girlfriend than giving you losers advice you're not going to take anyway.

[With his fingers to his lips indicates for the cast to remain silent]

[Leans over and presses the mute button] That'd be fine with me, Asshole!

Michael!

What was that?

Michael is on the edge of his seat waiting for your whole... critique.

OK, cool. That brings me to Lex.

What's that?

He's opening up too much. He should be more closed around Lana.

I thought...

Don't think, Rosenbaum, act!

Well, we're the ones writing the...

Just act!

[Grits his teeth and turns red.] I'll take it under advisement.

There need to be more Clark and Lana angst.

What?

You heard me. They need to get back together.

There is not way in hell...

... we'd do it any other way, Steven.

[Looks at TW incredulously]

[Whispers] Trust me. [Back to his normal voice] Because Lana is smoking hot.

You've got it. Besides, the return of Clana would be a beautiful thing.

Why I'm going to... [TW presses the mute button]

crawl through that phone line a choke his scrawny little neck! [TW indicates for KK to sit back down and then releases the mute button]

I didn't quite catch that.

Kristen said she was going to have to agree with you.

[Stares daggers at TW]

After all the hero always ends up with a red hot girl.

You're reading my mind!

The moral of the Superman story is that the most important thing is life is having a hottie for a girlfriend, right?

[pause] I'm starting to get the feeling you're having a little fun at my expense.

Steven?

Yes Tom?

We've heard enough. Why don't you get back to your girlfriend?

She's red hot!

Cast: So we've heard.

If you don't believe me I posted a picture of her on my blo..

[Clicks off]

Well that was entirely unhelpful.

Although it does show we need to start giving Allison homework.

What?

Well I don't want to be the only one researching my own lines because the assigned authors are too lazy to come up with their own literary references.

You want me to come up with my own pop culture references?

Well why not?

I don't even own a TV! I mean I could come up with stuff from when I was in high school but it will be dated.

Better than stuff from when DeKnight was in high school. That stuff is way past its expiration date.

I'm sure the audience would get tired of knitting references pretty quickly.

There's more to my life than knitting!

Yes, dogs are cute, but come on, what else have you got?

I've got...

Don't take the bait Allison.

[Sticks her tongue out at MR. MR smiles and sticks his tongue out back at her mockingly. TW looks like he's doing his best to not yell at the both of them.]

Michael is pretty good with pop culture. Maybe he could do it.

The last thing I want is for Chloe to sound like she's stuck on an MTV sound track circa 1985.

I could do it.

Yeah, I'm sure Chloe is a big Elton John fan.

What's wrong with Elton John?

Where do I start?

Stop. I'm sure we can reach a compromise.

Yeah, you could to it, Tom.

Me? No. I've got enough on my plate. Erica?

Me? I don't know.

Just take it easy on the boob jokes. Is it OK with you if Erica does it, Allison?

[Indifferent] Sure. Fine with me.

If you get stuck give me a call. I'll be happy to help, Erica.

Thanks Michael.

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