The First Brainstorm Session

Hey, everybody. Thanks for coming. So how do we get ourselves out of this mess AlMiles have gotten us into?

Don’t worry buddy, I’ve got my lawyers working on it as we speak. I think with the change of networks we might actually have grounds to…

Not that mess. The one they left our characters in.

Oh, right. Who cares?

Five million SV viewers. The least we can do is respect them.

Oh, alright.

Tom. I’ve got an idea.

OK. Let’s hear it.

I think we should have Chloe reprogram Brainiac a la Terminator. Then she sends him back in time to keep Zod from ever capturing Lex.

That would set everything to just like it was just prior to the finale, rip of a really famous movie, and totally Mary Sue Chloe.

And which one of those do TPTB seem to have a problem with?

Not that you’re idea isn’t good, but I was thinking more along the lines that once Zex kisses Lana she’ll know something is all wrong. And since she knows Kryptoianians are poisoned by Kryptonite she’d use it against Zex to force a full confession. She’d find out how to get Clark out of the PZ and save the planet. Of course now she knows Clark’s secret and there’s no reason the two of them shouldn't be together anymore.

Right. She just walked through a freaking riot. She's not going to know something is up with Lex because he didn't kiss her right. She's got her head farther up her ass than Clark. I think Fine should land next to the Fortress and drag Lois and Martha inside. Lois will regain consciousness, grab an ice dildo and throw it through Brainiac’s heart just like Clark did in the finale. Jor-El will tell her how to get Clark out of the PZ and thanks to her Clark has a chance to save the planet. Once Clark defeats Zod he comes back to the fortress to retrieve Lois and his mom. Then he plants a kiss of forgetfulness on Lois.

Sorry, Erica, but Brainiac would chop Lois into tiny little pieces. Look, when Zex kisses Lana it brings Lex’s personality back into control. He pulls the knife from the finale out of his coat pocket and asks Lana to forgive him. She, of course, is afraid he’s going to stab her but instead he stabs himself. That releases Zod’s spirit which dissipates into the air and causes Clark’s PZ prison to shatter. Lana rushes Lex to the hospital and he spends the next three weeks in critical condition. Eventually, thanks to his super healing ability, he recovers.

Hold on here. What about Lion-El? Can’t we have Clark’s biological father carry his weight for once? Lion-El zips off to the fortress and opens an exit portal for Clark. Zex immediately realizes something is up and confronts him. The have a cheesy “old friends” conversation and Lion-El opens a second PZ portal for Zex. He gives Zex the choice to go willingly or be forced. They fight. Zex has the dagger from the finale and before he stabs Lion-El with it he opines about how Jor-El should have killed him when he had the chance rather than banish him. Zod won’t make that same mistake. He has the courage to do what Jor-El never had the guts to do, yadda yadda, Lanacakes. Low and behold just as the dagger enters Lionel’s body the essence of Jor-El exits Lionel and pulls Zod’s essence with it. Their spirits fight as they both get pulled into the PZ portal which closes, condemning the two of them to eternal battle. Meanwhile a shocked Lex finds himself over his father’s bloody body. Lionel gasps his last words, “Lex. Son, what have you done?” A grief stricken Lex passes out from the cold and Clark returns him to his home without any memory of what happened between being abducted and staring down at his dying father. And with Lionel dead I can return to my career as a stage actor.

All very interesting, but I noticed all share one common flaw. Clark doesn’t get to be heroic in a single one. This, the first SV episode following Superman Returns? I don’t think so. Look, have you ever noticed that just about every Kryptonian seems to be carrying around one of those PZ traps? It’s like you could get banished to the PZ just for pissing somebody off. Well, that’s just doesn’t make sense, so the average Kryptonian citizen would probably have to carry around their own key to get out of the PZ. Clark’s key also happens to be his key to the fortress. He uses it to get out of the PZ and defeat Zod.

OK hot shot. If all Kryptonians have their own key how come the two guys from the S5 premier didn’t have one?

Don’t be continuity Nazi, Michael. You know we hate continuity Nazis.

Maybe only people of authority would have their own key, such as Jor-El. If every Kryptonian had a key his aunt Zoda could have broken Zod out.

Allison, don't be Michael's an enabler. Let the fans fanwank. As long as it moves the plot along we don't have to make sense.

Besides. Brainiac would know Clark has a key. [TW glares at her] Um, back on topic, how do we get Lex back?

Glad you asked. Zex is merely a clone of Lex. Brainiac wasn’t sure if the “preparations” would kill a human so he made a bunch of clones. He was also afraid that despite his alterations human bodies might eventually wear out. He kept the original in case he needs to make Zod replacement hosts.

That’s just gross.

Yes, but the chance to show multiple Lex’s on screen, possibly in the buff? Priceless!

Look Kristen you’ve been on the wrong end of the DOMOS enough times to know better than to ever go there!

I’m sorry Michael. [coy smile] But sometimes you’ve got to give the fans what they want.

I think we’ve got something. Thanks, everyone!

Tom, if you already knew what you wanted to go with why did you even call us here?

I uh, I thought everybody knew Clark was going to be the hero. I didn’t know you all were out for your own glory. Look there’s no I in team.

Right. [begins to exit] Uh, Michael, I’m really interested in what you’re lawyers have to say. Could you give me a call if they find anything? [The meeting starts to break up]

Me, too, Mike?

Sure thing.

[Make telephone with his hand, points to MR and then to himself]

[Nods]

Catch you later, Tom.

[Everyone but TW is gone. TW pulls out his cell phone and hits a speed dial number]

Hey, Al. Look I pitched your idea but I think we might have a problem.

Yeah, yeah, I even gave them your explanation, word for word. I think that actually made it worse.

Yeah, well you're a lousy producer! [hangs up] Dammit [Speed dials again]

Michael! No, don’t hang up! About that thing your lawyer’s are looking into…

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