The Brownie Wars

Part I

[RB's office]

RB: OK, Miss Mack. Please sit.

OK, first off I want to change this scene here where Clark is talking to Chloe. She asks him where he's been.

RB: [irritated] What do you want?

Well, I wanted Chloe to say, "Tell me you and Oliver aren't putting together some cabal of super..." and then Clark interrupts. He says, "Friends, Chloe. They are just friends."

RB: And why do you want to do this?

It's an anvil.

RB: A what?

A reference to the DC universe. There are a cartoon called the super-friends with most of these characters in it.

RB: Sort of like when we tried to stick in references to Kirk and Spock in our other Star Trek series.

Exactly! We try to have several per episode.

RB: [Skeptical] Every episode?

Yeah.

RB: Seems corny but we can make the change.

OK, also, It's in Tom's contract you can't put him in spandex. This whole biker outfit? It's got to go.

RB: Michael had a backup plan for that.

[Surprised] Really?

RB: Yeah. He was afraid Tom might try to buck him.

Can you tell me what the backup was?

RB: A bunny.

A bunny!?!?

RB: Yeah, it goes with Lois' magician outfit.

Dammit!

RB: It's a pink fluffy bunny. Michael suggested running that by Tom just in case Tom decides to waive the spandex clause this one time.

You can't make him dress up like a pink fluffy bunny!

RB: There's nothing in his contract against it.

So you're telling me if Tom refuses to wear spandex that you're going to dress up Superman like the Energizer Bunny?

RB: Actually it's a lot cuter than the Energizer Bunny. I'm seen the costume. Is that all Miss Mack?

No. There's also a problem with the music.

RB: [Sighs] Michael made it clear he doesn't want anyone changing his musical choices, especially you, Miss Mack.

Have you seen the choices?!?

RB: [Rubs his temples] Yes.

You think "Bad to the Bone" is going to work when Chloe and Lex are dancing?

RB: I don't...

They are supposed to be doing the tango! You can't tango to "Bad to the Bone".

RB: Fine. I'll talk to Michael about it.

And another thing...

RB: [Staring at the ceiling] Yes?

Robert Palmer's "I didn't mean to turn you on." is totally insulting for Chloe's dance with Clark.

RB: [Inspecting his finger nails] You're objection is duly noted. What else?

Erica had a problem with the teaser.

RB: What's her problem? Not enough skin? We could have Lois wake up in skimpy underwear.

No, that's not the problem. Culture Club's "Do you really want to hurt me?" is supposed to be playing in the background.

RB: Does she have something against Boy George?

Yes. She doesn't want him singing over one of her scenes.

RB: She needs to talk to Michael. Besides, aren't you guys supposed to have a meeting to iron out all those details today anyway?

Yeah, but...

RB: Look, I'd be happy to help but this is all out of my hands. You guys set the ground rules. Could you just leave me alone and let me collect my paycheck in peace? Please?

Actually Annette wanted to have a word with you next.

RB: God! No. I'm going to be out the rest of the day.

So tomorrow morning?

RB: I... uh... we'll see.

Great! I'll let her know. [AM exits the office. JG waits outside.]

How did it go?

OK, actually. Not great, but OK.

Dammit! [Slams his fist into his hand] How long is it going to take to break him?

I don't know.

I tell you what. If this next episode doesn't do it I'll grab him from behind and you can taser him over and over again. That would take care of it, don't you think?

John!?

Too extreme?

A little. Besides, the last thing I need is an assault rap sheet up on the smoking gun.

Ex-Lax in the coffee!

I'm all for wearing him down but if you want to resort to childish pranks you're going to have to bring in Michael.

[rubs his chin] Michael does love his childish pranks.

And Tom's even been known to participate on occasion.

Yes, yes. I think I'll give that a try. Thank you, Allison.

My pleasure, John. By the way, I was able to break into the security office yesterday and I cleared out their stash of tranquilizer darts.

Great! We may finally have the upper hand. Um... what did you do with them?

[Clears her throat] The less you know the better.

[MR's trailer. MR & TW are playing Wii. MR zones out]

Not again! Michael, wake up!

What?!!?! Oh. Sorry. I'm just so... sleepy. [Reaches over to a plate of brownies and starts munching one.] You sure do don't want to try one of these brownies Allison brought over? They're delicious.

Are you kidding? Last time she baked something for you it had Ex-Lax in it.

[Head swaying] Not this time, I'm sure of it.

How?

I got it in writing. If I get the runs Chloe is going to be in fishnets the rest of the season. I figured that's a fair trade.

Did you get her to eat one first?

[Lies down] No. Should I have?

[Shakes his head] Idiot.

Good night, Tom.

It's ten AM! Don't go to sleep on me now, Michael. We're supposed to go over the final changes to our episode in twenty minutes.

[Closes his eyes] Wake me up in twenty minutes.

[Glances at the brownies] Allison!

[Half asleep] Tell her we're not changing a thing.

[Shakes his head again and dumps the brownies into the trash. There's a knock at the door.] Come in.

Michael? [Sees Michael asleep] Oh, crap! Tom how many brownies did you let him eat?!?

I don't know. Eight?

Tom! I wanted him confused and suggestible not comatose!

[Unsympathetic] Sorry. [Turns attention back to Wii game] I found out what my backup costume was.

Well, at least we know who won our little bet.

No way. You cheated.

Cheated? What are you talking about?

You dangled a season of Chloe in fishnets in front of his face! He would have drunk a bottle of Drano.

I won fair in square!

You cheated!

Did not!

Did too!

[folds her arms] Did not!

Did too!

[stamps her foot, her voices rises] Did not!

[rolls his eyes] Arbitration?

Who?

John.

Annette.

Erica.

Kristen.

[irritated] Fine.

[also irritated] Fine. [AM exits]

Part II

[RB's office]

I don't know where the hell you got the idea I've been talking to DC.

RB: They called and told me under no circumstances are we allowed to show Bruce Wayne on our show.

What does that have to do with me?

RB: I know you've been angling to get Lois to dance with him.

Like hell! If anyone Lois should dance with the Green Lantern!

RB: Don't say that!

What? Is there some taboo forbidding Lois dance with the Green...

RB: He's not the Green Lantern! He's a marine.

Whatever. Everyone knows he's the Green Lantern.

RB: Don't dare refer to him as that in front of anyone from DC.

You think the DC people are stupid, don't you!

RB: No! Don't you dare say that to them!

There was one thing about this episode I wanted to talk about.

RB: Oh, God.

The teaser.

RB: I knew it.

I know Michael is hung up on the 80's but Culture Club really isn't my thing.

RB: Michael doesn't want to change anything.

How about "Manic Monday"? I think that would fit a lot better, don't you?

RB: Monday? The ball isn't on a Monday is it?

Who the hell cares?

RB: Because it's the morning before the ball and the song title is...

Are you going to change the song or not?!

RB: That's really up to Michael.

What the hell is up to you, Rick? Huh? Anything?

RB: Well, I...

Do you have any power here other than to corral us like we're zoo animals when we get out of control?

RB: Actually...

You're nothing more than an overpaid baby sitter here, aren't you?

RB: If you would just...

Frankly I'm sickened that a guy who's produced some many successful television series could fall so low.

RB: I'll have you know that...

[Getting up] But you've given me a good idea. I will give the guys at DC call. They might actually be able to do something about this!

RB: Wait!

[Exiting] Maybe they can fix it so Lois and John Stewart dance together.

RB: Erica! Please don't!

[Exits the office. JG awaits outside]

RB: [Through the closed door] Come back!

Well?

Oh. He's pissed. And scared. And maybe a bit humiliated. But mostly pissed.

Excellent!

The sun sure as hell better shine out of Lois' ass this next episode.

Yeah, yeah. I'll hook you up. Not to worry.

So everybody will suck up to her, even Lionel?

Well... I, uh,

[Pats him on the back] Just kidding, John. I wouldn't make you write that.

[Relieved] Well, thank you, Erica.

I'm saving that for Allison and my episode. [Merrily exits]

[Knocks on RB's door]

RB: [Irritated] Who is it?

[Deferential] It's John. John Glover. Just thought I'd drop by and see how everything is going.

RB: OK. Come in.

[Smiles to himself before coming in] How's it all going, old friend?

RB: [Head in hands, near tears] They're killing me, John! They're killing me!

They are like a horde of unruly children, aren't they? But I'm here for you, Rick. Tell me all about it.

Part III (by Ratman)

[Brannon Braga enters RB's office.]

BB: Hey there, how's it going?

RB: [screaming] Where the hell have you been?!

BB: Getting coffee. Here's your latte.

RB: [Grabbing BB's coat, and spilling the coffee] These people are crazy! Crazy, I tell you! I mean, I though that Shatner was bad, I thought that Frakes was bad, but these people....

BB: Calm down, Rick. I've been thinking up a way to turn them. It's a simple matter of divide and conquer - we offer each of them a little bit of carrot, and a little bit of stick, and pretty soon they'll all be kissing our assess.

RB: But what can we even do? They have all the control.

BB: They can't control everything. We're still the producers.

RB: Keep talking.

BB: Well, take Erica, for instance. Erica just wants to be the sexiest Lois Lane. So we bring our old costume crew from Enterprise over - after all, we still control the costume staffing - and we put her in velour catsuits for the rest of the season. Then we get the marketing folks to churn out a bunch of glossy posters and dump them on the convention crowds - maybe leak a few posed pics on the net - and pretty soon, she's the new sci-fi poster girl of the decade.

RB: [Taking notes] I like it.

BB: And if she doesn't go along, we threaten to put her in 80s power suits instead.

RB: Wow, okay. What else you got?

BB: Annette's another easy one. She wants to sing. So we fly her husband down for free and have them write and record the songs for one of the episodes.

RB: Which one?

BB: It doesn't matter, one of the non-Rosenbaum ones, since he's already picked out all the music for his. They'll be swimming in royalties. If she doesn't go along - hehe - we demand she dye grey streaks into her hair.

RB: Can we do that?

BB: Of course! It's the Felicity clause, it's in everyone's contract. The network gets final say on everybody's hairstyles.

RB: Okay, but what about Rosenbaum?

BB: Well, he's obsessed about the android episode, so we'll get some of the old Star Trek special effects guys to pull out some high-class FX for him. Or we could just bribe him with some classic Trek gear or something.

RB: And if he doesn't go along?

BB: Simple, we threaten to tell Carrie Fisher about the Photoshopped naked Princess Leia poster in his trailer.

RB: Oh, that's evil.

BB: Yet effective.

RB: What about Tom?

BB: Even easier. We let him wear something other than that red jacket.

RB: Isn't that in the show Bible? Something about visual identity and -

BB: We're the producers, we can rewrite it if we want.

RB: Okay, but what about the stick?

BB: We don't need one. Trust me, kill the red jacket and he'll worship us like deities.

RB: Fine. Anything brilliant to control Allison? She frightens me.

BB: Actually, I don't really have anything for her - she cares too much about her character to be easily bribed, and Michael's done a hatchet job on her character already. And the whole fishnets thing, it's hard to compete with that. To be honest, if we get the rest of the cast, I think we'll be okay - I think they're all scared of Allison, too. As for Glover -

RB: I think Glover's on our side already. He's an old hat in this business, he's got a name and doesn't need this crap show anyway. He's the only one who seems to sympathize with us here.

BB: You're probably right. Besides, what harm can one guy do?

Part IV

[RB's office. ED is looking at a 8x10 glossy. She raises her eye brows]

Wow.

RB: And we can pad it where ever you need.... not that you need it padded.

[Nodding her head] This is really pretty impressive.

RB: You'll be on everybody’s desktop wallpaper, their screen savers, larger than life at conventions...

I see.

[BB's office. AoT lets off a girlish giggle]

You know Sir Elton?

BB: Sure. Big Trek fan. Loves the Kirk-Spock slash.

Wow. I had no idea.

BB: And best of all he's got some down time right now.

He'd do a duet with me?

BB: Absolutely. We'll finish out the rest of the season with some old standards.

[MR's trailer. TW and MR play Wii]

So Rick comes by and he says he loved my naked exploding women robots.

No kidding. Brannon came by my trailer. He said we should ditch the jacket.

Am I going to get to tell my story or not, Tom?

Sorry. Go ahead.

You always have to steal my thunder, don't you?

Tell your story.

Your story is always a little better, isn't it?

Tell your damn story, OK?

[pauses] You just want the last word. Don't you?

Fine. I'll tell my story first.

The hell you will. So Rick comes by and he's talking about androids.

The Trekkers love their androids.

Right, so here's his idea, he asked what I thought about the idea of Chloe having been an android from the beginning.

[Chuckles] Right.

No. I'm serious!

[RB's office]

RB: We even have a spin-off series planned.

For me?

RB: You and a few other cast members. Those willing to play nicely.

So what is it?

[MR's trailer]

But Clark's known her since eighth grade. She's grown up around him.

Exactly! And why is that? So she can get close to Clark.

Androids don't age.

Well the naked exploding kind can. They're nanotechnology.

OK. So assuming that's even possible. What about Lionel being her dad?

The thing is he still is! He created her!

What?

That's why Lionel claims to be her father and Lex claims to be her brother. But the DNA test revealed she wasn't even human!

So she's been playing Clark all along?

No. She's like a one of the human looking Cylons on BSG. She thinks she's human and then when Lionel gives the command, Bam!

Bam?

[Guiltily turns back to the game] Um. You probably don't want to know the details. So what did Brannon have to say?

[Hint of irritation] He just said maybe we could get rid of the jacket.

That's all? Really?

[Truly irritated] Yes!

Oh.

[BB's office]

Sir Elton and then this spin of show! It's a dream come true!

BB: We only aim to please. Think of it as our valentine to you, Annette.

Oh, Brannon, I don't know what to say.

BB: Just say "Thanks". And put a good word in for us to the rest of the cast.

[RB's Office]

RB: [Dramatic] We call it "Smallville: Explorer"!

I didn't think the body suit would go over all that well at the Daily Planet but didn't think you were going to put us out in space.

[MR's trailer]

So. Tell me about the "Bam".

[Not looking at TW] Naw. Can't.

You can't?!?

It might get back to Allison.

Michael. You can trust me.

[RB's office]

RB: It's not in space. Ford will be underwriting the entire series. Lois is "captain" of a Ford Explorer roaming the country..."

Seeking out strange new life forms?

RB: Sort of. You'll be rounding up stray meteor freaks who've moved on from Smallville. Sort of a Supernatural meets Scooby Doo meets Smallville.

It sounds... atrocious.

RB: You should she the CW's other contenders for next year. Atrocious or not this show will be your star vehicle.... literally.

[MR's trailer]

I'd like to trust you, Tom. But I can't.

I won't tell Allison anything.

Like hell. She'll have you singing like a canary in no time.

[RB's office]

RB: We're trying to cut expenses so we'd only be keeping the supporting cast. Lois would be the Daphne character.

Shelby is Scooby Doo.

RB: You're quick. Oliver Queen is going to be the Fred character. Martha will fill in for Velma.

That would make Shaggy... Lionel?

[BB's office]

BB: Of course there's only one condition for this arrangement.

Anything. I'd do absolutely anything!

BB: How do you feel about baggy sweaters?

[MR's trailer]

Come on, Michael!

All I can say is it leads to a really whacked out spin off.

Spin off? I don't want to be in a spin off. I want to spread my wings.

Don't worry. We're not in it.

[RB's office]

RB: Glover has the hair.

I can't imagine Lionel hanging out with a dog and shouting "Zoinks!"

RB: He wants to try something different.

Well OK.

RB: Just sign here.

[Two hours later, RB, BB, & JG in JG's trailer]

I love it. "Fantasy Island: Smallville". Lionel lures in the rich and famous, shows them their darkest fantasies, and reaps a hefty reward in exchange for scarring them for life. Where do I sign?

RB: Right here.

[Signing] I can't believe you got Erica to agree to be Tattoo!

RB: We're currently in negotiations. It's all in the fine print. You don't mind filling in on a few other pilots, just until we find the right person, do you?

No. No. Not at all.

BB: Excellent.

[AM's trailer]

So next year it's going to be Smallville Idol! John, Erica and I are going to be judges and we get to sing a bit too if we like.

"Smallville Idol"? You can't be serious!

Yeah. I just signed the contract.

You did have your lawyer take a look first, didn't you?

Why? They're nice guys.

[KK's trailer]

They said if we were going to get it in consideration for next season the signatures had to be in today.

[TW's trailer]

What's the worst that would happen?

[Split screen shot of AM, KK, and TW] AM, KK, TW: You are so screwed.

[MR's trailer. He's alone playing Wii with a maniacal smile.]

Bwahahaha!

Part V (by Bill C)

[BB's office]

RB: Okay, the teaser's done?

BB: Yeah. You think this'll impress the suits?

RB: It should. Here's the tape. [MR and TW enter, talking]

...I'm telling you, they were serious...hey, guys? You really did-- RB (waving tape): I suppose you mean this?

Whoa. You actually did it?

BB: Don't keep us waiting, Rick. Play the tape!

RB: Right, right... [puts tape in an old TV/VCR combo in the corner]

[Castville logo, text only, centered on a black background]

MR (voiceover): Previously, on Castville...

[what sounds like a minor-chord instrumental version of Save Me starts playing under a title card: THE ZONERS WERE CREATED ON KRYPTON.]

Pompous!CVVoice: "The Zoners...were created on Krypton."

[fade in on a shot of Raya being stabbed in the Phantom Zone]

[title card: THEY REBELLED.]

Pompous!CVVoice: "They rebelled."

[quick fade out, then fade in on a panning shot of versions of Aethyr, Nam-Ek, Aldar (Batista's unidentified Zoner) and Lois walking through what looks like the Fortress of Solitude]

[title card: THEY LOOK]

Pompous!CVVoice: "They look..."

[quick fade out, then fade in on a quick pan of Chloe wearing a sports bra in the upstairs apartment at the Talon]

[title card: AND FEEL]

Pompous!CVVoice: "...and feel..."

[quick cut to Chloe pushing Lex up against the refrigerator door and kissing him]

[title card on black background: HUMAN.]

Pompous!CVVoice: "Human."

[title card appears on screen as a fade/scroll: SOME ARE PROGRAMMED TO THINK THEY ARE HUMAN.]

Pompous!CVVoice (as the card appears): "Some are programmed to think they are human."

[really quick fade out, then fade in on a split-screen of two versions of Lois turning to face and look slightly above camera-POV; the Lois on the left is dressed conservatively, carrying a closed laptop, while the other is wearing a red minidress open to her navel and fishnet stockings]

[title card: THERE ARE MANY COPIES.]

Pompous!CVVoice: "There are many copies."

[quick cut to an overdeveloped slo-mo shot of Chloe cradling Lex's head against her shoulder as Lex looks stricken]

[title card zooms in from behind the camera, fading into the distance: AND THEY HAVE A PLAN.]

Pompous!CVVoice (even more pompous than usual): "And they have...a PLAN."

[fade to black as music ends]

[MR and TW looking utterly nonplussed]

RB: Soooooo...what'd you think? MR (after a long pause): ...the narration sucks. Can you lose that?

RB: Not sure. The network insisted on it.

Part VI

[Ronald Moore's Office. He's recording the pod cast for the latest BSG episode]

RM: So here we were [phone rings] we were [phone rings] we aren't supposed be be getting calls right now.

[Bursts through the door] We need to talk.

RM: I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

It's about your buddy, Brannon.

RM: [Shuts off the recorder] Brannon isn't my buddy. Anymore. Get out.

He wants me to be a Cylon.

RM: All the Cylon slots are full. Besides he doesn't have any control over this show. I made sure of it.

But he does have some control over mine.

RM: Wait. I know you, don't I? Spunky blond hero. Kristen, right? Kristen Bel...

No! My name is Allison Mack and I work on Smallville!

RM: Oh. Yeah. That show is still kicking? Weren't they the one's who were so far in the whole they had the cast writing episodes?

One and the same.

RM: He wants Cylons on Smallville?

Yes.

RM: Trust me, that's only going to happen in really bad fan fic. It's completely illegal. Any whiff of Clyons on your show and I could have your production shut down before you can say "My gods"

[Pulls out a video tape] I think you'll find this to be more than a whiff. It's a full course meal.

RM: [Pops the tape in and watches the the trailer from Bill C's post] That's wholesale plagiarism! But you and the bald guy do have a bit of chemistry...

It's completely idiotic! He's supposed to be my brother.

RM: Intrigued, but if you were a Cylon...

Mr. Moore!

Right. Right. I suppose it's time to pay my old friend Brannon a visit.

Part VII (by Ratman)

[MR in his trailer alone, sitting on a sofa playing his Wii]

MR [swinging wildly]: Yeah! Take that!

Hello there, Michael.

[MR turns to see AM, who's wearing a very low cut top, miniskirt, and fishnets.]

Whoa. Alli, where'd you, um, you look....

And you look like you could use some company.

[AM sits in MR's lap.]

So, uh, what, uh, what are you....

Michael, I think we need to talk about the scripts.

[nervous] We do? Don't hurt me.

Yes, I think we need to talk. Don't you? The script is life, Michael.

Um, it is?

Of course, Michael. And I think we need to make Lex look smarter, don't you?

Yeah....

Which means we need to make the enemies he defeats smarter too, right?

What do you mean?

[playing with MR's head] Well, Lex doesn't look all that much of a genius if he's only outsmarting a big dumb alien and some rich playboy. No, the real challenge for Lex is a certain ambitious, neophtye reporter, don't you think?

You mean Chloe.

[unbuttoning MR's shirt] Of course, dear. Which means the only way to make Lex look smarter is to write Chloe as smarter, too. She can't fall for every little trick, now, can she?

No, I mean, um, what's going on here?

[stroking MR's chest] We're agreeing that Chloe needs to be written smarter, Michael, that's all. The producers have a plan, Michael. They have a plan for everything, and everyone. And that plan includes a Chloe that isn't so naive.

Oh. But, I mean....

You are special to them, Michael. And you're special to me.

[AM kisses MR. They make out.]

[stopping suddenly] Michael.

Yeah?

[with a deep, masculine voice] Michael, wake up.

What?!

[deep, masculine voice] Come on Michael, wake up!

Oh, hell no. This is way too good.

[They make out again.]

[shaking a sleeping, drooling MR] Come on, Michael, wake up! [looking at the side table, which has a plate of brownies] Oh, crap, not the brownies again! I thought you got rid of those!

I thought I did. I guess he must've stashed away some of them.

How many of these did you make?

A couple of boxes worth, I guess.

A couple of boxes?

Well, I didn't give him all of them. I sent a bunch to one of our other, um, friends....

[MR, KK, and TW in front of the Luthor mansion fireplace.]

I love Clark. And I love you, too.

I love you Lana. I always have, and I always will.

I love you too, Lana. I'm just so afraid that my greatest power is the power to hurt you.

[sleeping on a sofa, drooling, with half a brownie in his lap] Lannnaaaaaa.....

Part VIII (by Bill C)

[Morning outside the Castville production office building. MR and TW are sitting by a small honeywagon; MR is downing his second cup of coffee, while TW is eating an apple.]

...all right, so Allison was wearing fishnets, right?

[guarded] Fishnets...okaaaaay. Must have been something you ate...

[finishes off his coffee] What?

Nothing. Sounds like some dream.

Oh yeah. And she was saying something about...about...damn, what was she saying again?

You don't remember?

No. But I remember...well, the fishnets...

Of course you would, Michael.

...and something about...um...dammit. I think she was saying something about making someone smarter...[grumbles] God, I wish I could remember this.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, Michael. It was proba-- [three men in suits power-walk past MR and TW, going into the building]

Hey...did that first guy look familiar to you? MR [uncertain]: Yeah...wasn't that--

[RB's office. RB is writing something on a pad of paper when the three men walk into his office.] Ronald D. Moore [flanked by the other two men]: Good morning, Rick.

RB: Ron? What brings you across town?

RM: [waving a videotape] This.

RB: A tape? Of what? RDM: You know what this is.

RB: I'm not psychic, Ron... [BB enters the office]

BB: Hey, Rick, I was talking to John about that thing, and-- [RDM and the other two men turn to face BB. BB looks scared]

BB: --uh...

RB:RM: [somewhat frostily]: Brannon. BB [uneasy]: Uhhh...Rick! Hey, how's it going?

RB:RM: It's going well, thank you for asking. [waving tape again] We need to talk.

RB: What's with the tape, Ron?

RM: [reading the label on the tape] Galactic. [RDM stares daggers at BB]

RM: [incredulous] Galactic? [RB surreptitiously starts looking through the drawers in his desk]

BB:BB [nervous]: Okay. Uh, I, uh, I have no idea what you're talking about--

RM: Come on, Brannon. You actually thought you could get away with something like this?

BB:BB [best game face]: Something like what?

RM: [to Rick] You can stop looking for it. Your girl Bell brought-- [one of the other two men leans forward and whispers something into RDM's ear]

RM: [to himself] Right...your girl Mack brought this to my attention. [RB closes a desk drawer he had opened with a bang]

RB: Damn.

BB:BB [sighing]: It was just a test teaser, Ron...we really weren't planning to work any further on--

RM: [sarcastic] Right. And Seven of Nine's catsuit wasn't mostly your idea either.

RB:RB [casually sliding a manila folder across his desk to cover a document titled GALACTIC SCRIPT 3]: Okay, Ron. What do you want? And who are these guys?

RM: Lawyer One and Lawyer Two. That's all you need to know. And believe me--there are many copies.

RB: Okay, okay, okay. I'm sure we don't need to get that involved in things...

RM: Guys, come on. This was just ill-advised at best, you know.

RB:RB [testily]: We could invoke the parody rule, Ron.

RM: Sure you could. But you're not SNL, Rick. And by the time I got done with you...

RB: Now hold on a minute--

BB:BB [holds up a hand]: Hang on a minute, Rick. [RDM folds his arms]

BB:BB [careful]: Ron, look. Like I said, this was just a test--

RB:RM [reciting from memory]: "The Zoners were created on Krypton. They rebelled." For God's sake, Brannon...

BB:BB [frustrated]: Okay! It's dead, all right? Dead, dead, dead! Dead like disco! [RDM looks at BB and then RB, appraisingly...then shakes his head, chuckling to himself]

RM:RM [very quietly to himself]: Dead like disco...

BB:BB [nervous all over again]: Uh...what?

RM:RM [composes himself]: Nothing. I think we understand each other. Let's go, gentlemen. [Lawyer One and Lawyer Two exit the office. RDM turns to leave, then stops]

RM:RM [holds up tape]: You guys did do one thing right, you know.

RB:RB [nervous as well, but also surprised]: ......we did?

RM: The bald guy and Be...uh, Mack. You just might be on to something there. I mean, hey...if you have to borrow from the best, at least you borrowed the right thing. Think about it. [RDM starts to walk out, but stops at the doorway]

RM: The narration, though? So very, very stupid. [RDM exits] [RB and BB look at each other for a few seconds, then simultaneously sigh deeply]

RB:RB [leans back heavily in his chair]: Damn, we dodged a bullet that time.

BB:BB [relieved]: Oh yeah.

RB:RB [pulls GALACTIC SCRIPT 3 out from under the folder]: So...what do we do about this?

BB:BB [thinks]: I don't know...do we still have that backup story idea?

RB: That rip of The Hunted?

BB: Yeah, that one.

RB: Yeah...but I'm not really liking that--

BB: Wait. He said...we did one thing right...

RB: Huh? Oh--the thing with Michael and Allison? What did he mean by that?

BB:BB [thinks]: I'm not sure...but I think he was saying he liked that part.

RB: Damn...tell me we have a backup copy of the teaser in the archives.

BB: We should...I think I know how Allison got the copy she gave to Ron. I was reviewing the copy I had made the other day in the tape room...but I put the master in the safe!

RB:RB [hits the intercom button on his telephone]: Jessie? I need the master of the Galactic teaser, please. [RB's secretary brings in a videotape after a couple of minutes and puts it in the TV/VCR combo in the corner]

RB:RB [watching the tape]: Okay, let's see...

BB:BB [watching the tape]: Actually...yeah. Check it out.

RB: They do look good together, actually.

BB: I was focused on the outfit and the color schemes, but yeah...

RB:RB [thoughtful]: Damn, though. This narration does suck.

BB:BB [nodding]: Michael was right.

RB: So let's say we...reward him for his insight.

BB: How?

RB:RB [smiles broadly]: How do we get a seductive, manipulative Chloe into Lex's head?

BB:BB [looks at RB]: Uh...mind-whammy?

RB: Yeah...but let's mind-whammy him for, say, three or four episodes.

BB: Driving Lex to the brink of insanity...

RB: And straining his already tenuous relationship with Chloe...

BB: ...as he can't tell the difference between the real world and his fantasy...

RB: ...which gives us plenty of chances to show that Michael can act...

RB:RB and BB: ...and how hot Allison is.

RB: We've got to sell the network on this.

BB:BB [after a beat]: More importantly: we need a new title, man... [RB nods, crosses out the word GALACTIC on the script with a marker]

Part IX

[BB's office. RB and BB have just presented their new idea.]

[Shouting] Hell no!

BB: It will be fun!

RB: [sing songy] Chloe will be in fishnets.

I like the fishnet thing, but Chloe driving Lex insane? Bullshit! Lex should be the one to drive Chloe insane! Some sort of meteor experiment he does gets me into her head, not the other way around.

BB: Then we'll have no fishnets.

That is a down side. But if the cost of Chloe in fishnets is driving Lex insane then...

RB: Brink of insane.

Either way, bottom line it's a deal breaker. Here's what I'm picturing. Lex in Chloe's head. He always wears that crisp white suit. He slowly convinces her that Clark is a lying sack of shit who only trusts her because he has to. I mean let's face it, she basically gave him no choice. There she is crashing his supposed fortress of solitude, completely uninvited, [mock female voice] "Clark, help me, Clark! I'm going to freeze to death!" [back to normal] Bah! And that Lex is the one in the right. There's plenty of reason to fear Clark. Hell, she saw him in Metropolis pumped up on Red K. The guy is a menace. And say what you want -- Red K doesn't make Clark do anything he doesn't want to. The guy that robbed banks and blew up police cars? That's the real Clark hiding underneath whatever moral veneer his parents forced upon him. It's only a matter of time until that real Clark shows up and takes over.

RB: I don't know. We were leaning towards the fishnets for ratings?

So I look like a slouch in a white suit?!?

BB: No, no. I'm sure you look nice.

RB: There's always the dream sequences. We could dress Chloe in fishnets in her dream sequences. Kind of a nod to the fact she's slowly falling off the edge.

Now that I like! [pauses] But why the hell are you backing off our original plan in the first place?

RB: I, uh, ....

Don't tell me you're worried about being sued!

BB: It might have crossed our minds.

RB: We're still receiving cease and desist letters from Sting.

BB: If we go with what was originally proposed Ron will crucify us.

I don't think so.

RB: How do you get that?

All you need to do is show that Moore is actually ripping you off. Threaten to counter sue. Those guys don't have the cash Warner Brothers has.

BB: Aren't they backed by GE?

Oh, yeah. [Thoughtful Pause] Maybe the idea of ceaseless litigation would be enough to get him off your back. Didn't Ron used to work for you?

BB: Yeah, on Star Trek Voyager.

Perfect. All you need to do is show that Battlestar Galactica is actually just one big rip off of Voyager. Anything you derive from BSG is then in fact a derivation from Voyager, a property we own. BR: Paramount actually.

Aren't they the "C" of "CW"?

BB: I, uh. CBS is.

Which is Westinghouse then Viacom then Paramount.

RB: I, uh.

Well close enough. Bottom line is our crappy little channel is half UPN, owner of the Trek franchise. If we want to rip off Trek we can rip off Trek to our heart's content.

BB: I don't know. We have a hard enough time getting clearance to rip off DC for this show.

This will be a case of it being easier to ask forgiveness than get permission. What we're worried about is legality, not permission. If Viacom gets pissed we can kill Chloe off with a rare liver disease or something. Again, all we need to do is show that your old pal Ron has been ripping off Voyager all along.

RB: How are we going to do that?

How? He so obviously is!

BB: He is?

You don't see Janeway in President what's-her-name?

RB: [Not following] What?

And Adama is clearly just a copy of the guy with the tattoo on his forehead.

BB: Chakotay.

Whatever.

BB: Really?

Both crews are in a desperate hunt for Earth never sure if they'll actually get there.

RB: What about the whole Cylon thing? That will be harder to get by.

Are you kidding? Anybody with two brain cells to rub together can see that Ron's Cylons are just a poor man's Borg. I mean come on, who'd believe the Cylons of the old BSG could ever evolve? But the Borg? Now there's a foe you can imagine creating human clones, am I right? Dieing and being re-born? Allowing their ships to be controlled mentally? All that group think stuff? His Cylons are so the Borg!

BB: Uh, maybe. Now that I think about it Ron may have even submitted a story where the Borg tried to internalize all their hardware as a way in infiltrate the crew.

And you have Seven of Nine there on board. Doesn't Ron have his own Cylon working for the humans?

RB: I think he does. But she's not a seven.

Dammit! Who cares which number she is? Isn't it enough that they refer to themselves by model number? What the hell? Must they refer to each other as "Six of Twelve" to get your dander up? This guy has been stealing from you for three years!

RB: He has?

It's a clear case of intellectual property theft!

BB: You think?

[Motioning wildly as if trying to explain a simple concept to a three year old] Can't you see? Ron took all the ideas you rejected for Voyager and revamped them to "fit" the old BSG mythology! Hell, his re-vamped BSG is closer to Voyager than the original if you ask me.

RB: I'm not sure I...

Come on! Just try and tell me that Starbuck and Apollo aren't a bit more Torres and Paris than their original characters!

BB: [Looks at RB] I, uh, think he might have a point?

RB: [Slaps Michael on the back heartily] I'm really starting to like you! [Picks up a plate] Brownie?

[Eying the brownies nervously] Where did they come from?

BB: [Taking one himself] I don't know. Catering?

I, uh, no thanks. ["Accidentally" knocks the plate over turning around.] Oh. I'm so sorry, guys. I'll make sure you get a replacement. I've got to go. [Exits]

RB: [Looking at the brownies spread over the floor] Dammit! Those were the best brownies I've ever tasted!

BB: [Bending down] 15 second rule!

RB: [Bending down as well] For these? I implement the 30 second rule!

BB: [Wantonly scooping up brownies] Done and done.

Part IX

[MR's Trailer, JG enters]

Well, here it is. [Holds up a few papers]

[Not looking up from his Wii game] What?

[Turns off MR's TV. MR looks annoyed.] The teaser for "Fallen".

We haven't even written the episode yet. How can the trailer be ready?

I've already written the episode. I know you'll like it, Michael. [Hands MR the trailer script]

John, we're supposed to write the episode together!

Maybe if your little feud with Allison weren't so time consuming and you didn't spend so much time brown nosing the producers I wouldn't have had to write it myself.

It's not due for weeks! Besides I'm working with them on...

Your damn robots.

Cylons.

Whatever. That shit's not going to fly with me.

[Reaches over and pulls out a script labeled GALACTIC] But I've already got a script...

Oh. So you're writing the episode without me now, huh? Is that the way you think it's going to work?

I was going to, uh..

[Pulls the GALACTIC script out of MR's hand and tosses it across the room] We're going with my script.

But...

End of discussion. You and Kristen are up next. Talk to her about those damn, what do you call them? Cy-clones?

Cylons.

Right. Just read the teaser. You'll like it. Trust me.

But even if Kristen does go along Allison and Erica are supposed to write the next...

Read. The. Damn. Trailer.

And there's supposed to be an arc...

Read. The. Damn. Trailer.

[Takes the script ans sighs] All right.

PompusCVVoice: Empires may rise and fall.

Lana [to Lex]: Are you going to attempt a hostile take-over of Queen Industries?

PompusCVVoice: Love comes and goes.

Clark [devistated, to Chloe]: She's gone.

PompusCVVoice: But in Smallville some things never change.

Lionel: [In his hospital bed, to Lex] The game isn't over yet, son.

PompusCVVoice: Always keep an eye on your loved ones.

[Lionel lies in bed. Martha sits on the edge wearing only a negligee, tears in her eyes.]

Martha: What am I going to tell Clark?

PompusCVVoice: Don't turn your back on the enemy.

Lionel [to Chloe]: What Lex has done to you is tragic. I'm here to help.

PompusCVVoice: And Lionel Luthor always lands on top.

Lionel [to a visibly ticked off Lex]: I'll be awaiting your decision." Lionel looks at his watch, "You have seventeen hours.

PompusCVVoice: Never underestimate the magnificent bastard.

Lionel: [Laughs as he pops open a bottle of champagne. He begins to pour.] To a successful partnership, my dear!

PompusCVVoice: On the next Castville.

Lionel [to Lex]: It's time for you to step down as CEO of LuthorCorp, Lex.

Lex: You're bluffing. You'd never allow your empire to be run by anyone other than a Luthor.

Lionel: I never bluff.

You think I should smoke a cigar in that scene after boffing Martha?

I don't care.

It's probably too much. I'll leave it as is.

Cigar or no, Tom's not going to like it.

So?

Just saying.

He's not going to like the episode either.

The least we could do is make a trailer he likes.

Screw Tom. I don't give a rat's ass if he's pissed off.

OK. Your call.

You know damn well it is!

And "magnificent bastard"?

Well, you know I am.

Yeah, but I thought it went without saying.

[Shrugs] It does. But I like it. It stays.

It's corny.

It stays.

[Offers up a paper plate with a single brownie on it] Brownie?

[Angrily smacks the plate out of MR's hand] Get that damn thing away from me! You may be able to pull that crap on Allison and the hapless Durance girl but when you start messing with me you're playing on a whole new level.

[Gingerly holding his smacked hand.] Dammit, John, you hurt me!

[Revolted] I cannot believe the man who plays Lex Luthor is such a sissy!

I am not a sissy!

[Raises his hand as if to smack MR]

[MR cowers]

[JG shakes his head in disgust] God! Look at you! No wonder you don't scare Allison!

The only reason she's not afraid of me is because she knows I'd never hit a girl!

[Shakes his head again] And I had such high hopes for you, Rosenbaum.

[Offended] Hey, I still have potential!

You know what? Just get out of my face.

[MR doesn't move] It's my trailer.

[Snatches back the trailer script and points to the door] Go!

But...

GO! [MR scurries off, still cradling his hand. JG throws the script to floor] I swear to God this better be the last season of this crapfest I have to suffer through! [He pauses for a second when he spots the Wii controller. He turns the TV back on and picks the controller up.] Golf?!? Fuck! [Sifting through Michael's box of games] Doesn't he have at least one game that lets you blow shit up?

[Outside BB's office. MR taps lightly on the door]

[whispering] Brannon? Are you there? We have a slight problem... [Inside BB and RB lie on the floor. Brownie crumbs cover their faces.] [Back outside]

Hello? Is anybody there? [AM walks up]

Hello, Michael.

[Startled] Oh. Hi, Allison. I didn't hear you walk up.

I have an appointment with Brannon. [She grabs the door knob and smiles sweetly and winks.] I'll just let myself in.

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