Behind-the-scenes Shenanigans

Behind-the-scenes Shenanigans

[Low din of conversation as the CV cast chatter in the writing room. AG & MM enter but the cast continues to chatter]

OK, if everyone would settle down please. [continued chatter]

Everyone please settle down. [continued chatter]

Allison?

Everybody zip it! [Silence]

Thank you. OK, I'm sure you're all wondering what this meeting is about.

We're all getting insanely high raises for next year!

No.

Tom is going to be replaced by a midget!

No.

Allison is going to have to kiss Sting after all. MA: [Throws a crumpled up piece of paper at MR] Booo!

No!

You're...

Enough guessing!

[Aside to KK] Damn, they're uptight!

We have some good news and some bad news and we wanted you all to hear it from us before it got out in the media.

The show might not be renewed for next year.

With our ratings you'd have to be a freaking moron to think renewal was a slam dunk.

We might not get renewed? Are you serious? I had no idea.

Shut up, traitor.

So what's the bad news?

John, that was the bad news.

Oh, bonus! So what's the good news?

The good news is that just in case we don't get renewed they are going to give us some extra time for an epilogue of sorts.

To wrap everything up in one tight package.

OK, I'm still waiting for the good news.

I'm not going to have to wear the suit, am I?

They did say we wanted to wrap things up in a tight package.

Shut up, Rosenbaum.

So who's writing the epilogue? Me?

Yeah, right.

We're going to turn it into a little competition.

Oh, goody!

Al and I have put every one's name into this hat. [Displays the hat] And we're going to pull them out in pairs.

Each pair will write their own conclusion to the series.

And after they've all been shot and edited we'll pick the conclusion we like the best.

You're going to shoot them all?

Yeah. That way the spoilers will be so confusing no one will have any idea where we're going.

Nobody knows where you guys are going anyway.

Aside from Lana worship.

You said three pairs but there are seven of us. That means...

Miles, give the math wiz a cookie.

[Tosses TW a cookie]

Since Lana kicked the bucket Kristen will not be participating.

What?!? Someone else kicks the bucket too! That's not fair!

But we don't know who the other one who dies is yet. And the winning entry will determine that for us.

But only if the show isn't renewed.

Right.

Question!

Yes Michael?

Can we kill off more than one person in this epilogue?

You can do whatever you like.

Can we kill off everyone?

If you kill everyone your version will probably not get picked.

Dammit!

What if every one dies in all three versions?

[Sighs] I don't think that's going to happen.

Question!

Yes.

Since, you know, Switch hasn't been filmed yet I was wondering if certain events could be, um, altered, to accommodate the epilogue.

I don't know. What do you think, Al?

I, uh...

Hell no! The episode stays as is.

I really think that...

Dammit, woman! Are you trying to drive me insane!

I'm trying to save this series but driving you insane would be a welcome side benefit.

Al, don't let her change my episode again.

Tom and Michael did get to write more episodes than they were originally allotted.

Annette!

She has a point.

No, I'm not hearing this!

Allison you're free to make whatever changes need to be made...

Within reason.

Within reason means none!

Would changing it so Chloe doesn't betray Clark's secret be within reason?

Hell no!

Shut up, Michael.

I don't know. We'd have to see the script.

What?!?!?!

I said...

I heard what you said! Dammit Al...

Hold on, Michael. If it's necessary to the outcome and we like the outcome then maybe a change like that would be OK. If it's a change just to make your character look good then no.

Yes!

No more questions, we have lunch reservations. Miles, will you draw the first pair?

OK. The first pair is [reading] Erica and...

[Pulls out another name] John!

Lionel is so gonna die!

No. Lois is gonna die!

No!

Um, Miles, I think we have a problem here.

Lois is as good as dead!

I thought you wanted Lionel to die!

OK calm down...

I did when I thought it meant thirteen more excruciating episodes. This is like the home stretch. Lionel can take over the world and I never have visit this sorry set again!

There's an obvious conflict of interest here. We're going to have to draw again.

Good idea.

Don't draw again! I don't want to be stuck writing with John!

You wouldn't have to do any writing.

John and... Annette!

Whahoo!

We're so going to win! And Lionel is definitely hooking up with Martha! [to TW] Say hello to your new step daddy!

[rolls his eyes]

Next up, Allison and...

Tom, Tom, Tom!

And...

Tom or Erica, Tom or Erica...

Michael.

God dammit!

Is there a problem?

Come on, draw again.

That's it. Tom and Erica are the final team.

No, seriously. Please draw again.

Yeah, draw again.

That's it. No re-dos.

Draw again, dammit!

Sorry. That's the way the cookie crumbles, Allison. You and Michael are just going to have to figure out how to get along.

Erica, I'll trade you Allison for Tom.

Yeah, and Tom, I'll trade you Michael for Erica.

No trading. You two are going to have to write an epilogue together. [MR and AM look at each other uncomfortably]

Do we have to sit in the same room?

Do we have to sit in the same state?

Oh, that's real mature!

Calm down. If you don't want to meet there's always email.

And hey, you can split up the script and each work independently.

No.

No?

It has to be a team effort.

Splitting it up isn't a team effort?

Is there an I in team?

No.

How about split up?

Yeah.

There's your answer.

Al, that's just stupid.

Well, I'm the boss and that's the rule.

Don't worry Annette. This just means we only have to worry about beating out Tom and Erica's script. Whatever Mike and Allison come up with is bound to blow.

That's true. [To MR & AM] Good luck.

We are so screwed.

[AM & MR sit glumly as everyone else leaves]

There is no way they're going to pick our story over Tom and Erica's

Well, there's always sabotage.

Yes there is.

Are you in?

Yes I am. [MR holds out his hand. AM hesitates and then shakes it.]

They have no idea what's headed their way.

[AM smiles evilly] No they don't.